Hmm..

Josh Bond is engaged to become married. So is Shannon Presley.

But they're not engaged to each other..

I don't know why this bothers me, but it does..

They broke up after three years. Then they start dating someone else and two months in they're jumping to get married.

What is the point of marrying when you're so young? Both of them are nineteen...... How I see it, I think it would be best to marry in the mid-twenties, at the earliest. If you're dating someone and you want to marry that person, what's the point in marrying as soon as you possibly can? That's stupid.. If the relationship is good, it'll last a good while before tying the knot.. I guess it's that some people feel insecure and want to feel as if they have some stability in that area of their life. It just seems pretty foolish to me..

And as I was telling Anabel about this, she was surprised and said, "But I thought you and Josh were together!" (Hahahahaha)

After explaining that no, that was entirely NOT the case, she was kinda upset about it. Upset that Josh and I weren't together. Upset that he would get engaged "after all the stuff he and I have been through." We haven't been through much.. Just a lot of flirting during my Sophomore year (during which he and Shannon were still together, so I figured it pointless anyway) and a single, rather disappointing, prom date.

Anyway I hope they know what they're doing.

La Cuña del Limón

Here I am, sitting in the library, listening to the live version of Pure Evil by Iced Earth.

I hate it. It sounds way better on The Night of the Stormrider album.. John Greely did a lot better with the vocals than Matt Barlow. I'm not saying Matt Barlow sucks, he's great, but I don't like him singing that one.. I hate how they speed it up live, the quality sucks. It sounds a lot like crap, in my opinion.

I love that song............ on the Stormrider album.

I'm not really a fan of live music anyway.


There's an FCCLA district meeting today. I think I'm in FCCLA, but I'm not sure. I paid my dues. I'm not going to the district meeting though, it's dumb. And the FCCLA advisor is Mrs. Grayson.. It's weird though, now that she's not the yearbook advisor anymore, she's been really nice to me. I haven't said but two or three words to her though.


Man, this sucks. I was opening this CD case and it was one of those ones that after you open it once, you can open another part of it.. well, I broke the second part after trying to get the CD out of the thing. What a cheap piece.. I barely even did anything and it broke like nothing. Oh well. Not like they're my favorite CDs anyway.. Though it was really cool to be able to open the thing twice but NO! Not anymore! Gosh.


I've been reading a lot lately.. I don't know why. I used to read a lot when I was in like, eigth grade. This book I'm reading is really, really, good. It's called East and it was written by Edith Pattou.

When I was putting away books today, I looked at this book called Verdi. It's a fourth grade reading level book, but it looked really interesting, so I read it. It was good. It was about a snake named Verdi who did lots of crazy things when he was young, and he never understood why older snakes would just coil up on tree branches and just lay there all day. Then one day he got hurt or something and decided to coil up on tree branches as he grew older as well. Then one day, some young snakes came along and remarked about how boring he was and that he probably never even moved. So Verdi got up and had fun with those youngins. Truly a touching story.


I have this big tear on the ass of my jeans. It's big enough to stick my hand through, not that I would do such a thing for any purpose other than to see if I could.............

I remember when the hole first appeared. It was tiny. It was because I have had them for so long. One day, during my Sophomore year, my friend JaLisa said something about my panties being blue. I was like, "Yeah, how'd you know?" And she told me of the hole. I really like these jeans though..... So I've never thrown them away. The hole got a lot bigger after sitting in this chair at school that had a loose screw or something in it.. It got caught in my jean hole, and as I started to stand up, it tore.


I really like the song Burnt Offerings a lot.


I hate my Computer Technology class. I hate that class so freaking bad.. it's not hard or anything, it's just........... I don't know...... It's really, very boring and difficult to stay on task when I'd much rather be doing other things..........


Yesterday, I discovered that the number of people I can trust are even fewer.... And in helping one cover up a betrayal, another was made..... and bewteen best friends, no less.

Oh well. What can you do, you know?

A Whole Wheel of Cheese

My mood has been changing constantly lately. I was really happy today, and not just because I went to an OSU football game.

I was thinking about why the hell I was feeling so crummy during my last post. It didn't make sense to me, because I don't think there was really a legitimate reason to be so unhappy. Sure, I was lied to--a lot--but it doesn't matter.

So, I've told myself to stay happy, or pretend to be happy if I don't have a good reason to be sad. Now, I know it's not good to pretend to be something you're not, but when I'm unhappy for no reason, I tend to be a bitch, and I regret it later. I'm sure people don't like talking to me when I'm a bitch. So...... if I don't have a decent reason to be a bitch, I'm not going to be one, even if I just "feel like it", because I don't think that's a good enough reason. Rejoice! ^.^

It sucks.. Subjects I would usually feel laid back talking about are beginning to irritate me. Like, when people joke about women being subordinate back in the old days.. I used to not care. But now it bothers me. A lot. It's not funny. I'm tired of hearing guys say that's how it should be again, even if they're just playing around. All we were good for were childbirth and housework. I find that rather disheartening.

Another subject that bothers me now that didn't so much before is religion. I used to be a Jehovah's Witness. It was cool.. Except for the whole going door-to-door thing, that sucked, which is why I never did it but once. And if I were to believe that any religion would be the "Path to Salvation," I would go with that one. But I'm more of an Atheist than anything nowadays. Sometimes, I might question the possibility that maybe there is a god, but usually I just don't. I'm fucking sick of people pushing their beliefs onto me, as if their telling me that my way of life is wrong will actually succeed in manifesting faith within me.... You're just going to make me hate you even more than I did before (if I did before, and if I didn't hate you before, I would just hate you).

The other day, I was walking by some people, my friends, in the hallway at school. They were standing outside a room waiting to be interviewed for an FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes, if you live a sheltered life and didn't already know what that stood for) officer position. Someone asked me if I was applying for a position, and I was like, "No. I'm not even in FCA." They asked why I wasn't in FCA and I told them I was an Athieist, and after enduring their blank stares for a few seconds, I added, "...I don't believe in god."

They don't even talk to me anymore. Well, one of them still does, but I think she thought I was joking, maybe. But that's stupid though.... They all got along great with me before they knew I didn't share their beliefs. It's not like I'm a Satan worshipper--I don't believe in him either.

Anyway, my point is, I think religion should be an entirely private part of someone's life. I think people should go to great lengths to keep their religion and beliefs out of other people's lives.

I'm glad though.

Oh wait...... It's Saturday night......... Which means tomorrow is SUNDAY! And that means the day after is MONDAY! Which means a whole new week of school.. I wish I had a clone to send to school, along with my other reason. Or at least go every other day and send the clone every other day I didn't go. That would be cool, because I can't skip too much or I'll fail, which means I won't graduate, which means I'll either have to repeat this year or settle for the unrewarding life of an undergraduate or whatever. Sundays suck.

Questionable

I'm tired of waking up every morning. I'm tired of being here. I'm tired of feeling so unmotivated that I just lay on my bed for hours, doing nothing but waiting and thinking, probably making things seem worse than they really are.

I'm tired of being lied to. I'm tired of realizing I'm being lied to, because I'm thinking maybe I'd be happier if I wasn't smart enough to catch on..

When you lie to someone, you belittle that person's intelligence.

But someone doesn't need to tell me something just to make me feel better. I don't need a fucking ego boost. Someone doesn't need to tell me something because they think it'll make me like them more, because it's not going to happen.

Why lie to me like that? Why say that to me? When I think back to previous conversations, it makes no fucking sense!

I've never been so confused in my life.

There are probably five people in the world who I truly give a shit about.

I'm sick of responsibility, while also sick with envy of those who can slough it off. Sick of the apparent lack of concern for important and life-changing situations.. Sick of the lack of serious approach to serious matters.. I'm sick of myself for having to struggle to see what others seem to view so clearly.

I don't know what to do.

By now, I'm not sure if there's anything I would do. Maybe it's best to just leave it up to chance. And if chance crushes what I have, then maybe it's best to just sit back in torment as I watch my happiness burn away like a New Year's bonfire..

It isn't fair.

Though a lot of things have been made evident, there are still even more questionable concerns..

I'm so nervous..

Aries Horoscope
You're following your dreams--literally. Images in your sleep are showing you the way.

If that's the case, then in about five or six months, my life is going to hell.



```Actions speak louder than words, and words can lie. Actions can be, and commonly are, misunderstood, but they never lie.```

Moral Decay

I stayed up very late last night sitting at my desk. I used so much ink on one drawing.... An incredible amount. I was completely committed to make this creation perfect..

It was, undoubtedly, the best drawing I have ever made..

I signed it before holding it up in the light to get a better look at it.

So beautiful..

An unbelievable amount of effort was consecrated into it..

Six hours.... For six straight hours, I sat at my desk leaning over a piece of paper, making it alive, making it into something good, obsessing over every meticulous detail..

I went into the livingroom in hopes to find a frame for it because I loved my creation so much. I couldn't find an empty frame. I opened a can of Pepsi, and as I lifted it up to my mouth, I stared at the drawing on the table..

I brought the drawing outside, set it down gently on the front walkway, looked upon it proudly, and poured Pepsi all over it..

I made damn certain that every bit of the godforsaken masterpiece was soaked with soda..

Then I stomped on it, over and over and over.....

I stopped and picked it up. It was dripping and torn beyond recognition..

It will never be the same again.

It took me six hours to create, but only a mere thirty seconds to completely destroy.



So alas, in reality, my co-created masterpiece..... Worked on for what seems a long, long time.. It now has a sense of impurity and inevitable decay..

It will never be the same again.


Perhaps I do think too much.. But I guess better too much than not enough.

Rules of Hygiene

1
If going out, and there will be hot girls/guys there, shower. There is no exception to this rule. I don't care if you live in a river with hot springs shooting Tide up your ass. You shower before you leave the marsh, dipshit. Unless you're going to a family reunion in Alabama, the girls aren't going to find your stench attractive. You'll be able to tell because they'll start taking fewer breaths and slowly develop a blueness to their complexion. This is not because they like you. This is because you smell so foul that they've decided to sacrifice air.

2
Brush your teeth. I know this may sound like a lot, but brushing your teeth twice a day works miracles! Your breath smells better, people don't pass out when you talk, your teeth lose that brown hue, and you stop getting bitched at by those damn whiney liberals who think you're in the NRA.

3
Use soap. This one is primarily for you men out there (although some of you women should read this as well). Soap smells good, cleans you up, and gets rid of the shit you inevitably got on your fingers because you use the medieval hand-wipe technique to clean yourself up.

4
Wear clean clothes. This one is simple. Clean your clothes. Wear them. Then, the next day, take off those clothes, shower, and put on new clothes. This brings me to my next point . . .

5
Shower on a daily basis. There's this kid I know who doesn't shower. Everyone hates him. We throw rocks at him and call him mean names like "Smelly-Pants" and "Poopoo-Head". He cries every night when he gets home. Yesterday he hanged himself.

6
Learn this useful point. Cleanliness is partially arbitrary. Learn it well. Some things are just made up for no reason at all, like "wash your hands" and "don't roll around in horse shit". You just have to go along with these things because otherwise people will think you're weird. Or dirty. Let me tell you a little story about a weird kid I knew:

story
I knew a weird kid. No one liked him, cause he didn't follow what everyone else said. He smelled horrible. He had horrible hair. I even saw him leap headfirst into a garbage dumpster once.

One day, I said, "Donald, you smell horrible."

He said, "Really? I never knew!"

I said, "Yes, you really do."

So he took out a gun and blasted himself in the face.

Get my point?

7
Do not roll around in horse shit. I know it's tempting. I've been tempted to do this many times myself. Alright, I'll be Frank (if you be Estelle), I've done it once or twice myself. But at least I showered afterwards.

8
Do not drink your own sweat. It's filthy, it's nasty, and it tastes like dirty, salted water. Do not drink it. You can drink your own urine, that's sterile, but sweat is disgusting. If you drink your sweat, you've fallen to the level of sweat bee on the food chain. This is just above bodily excretions.

The Temerist Manifesto

We have found ourselves lost in a never-ending quest to find meaning in life. We have been convinced that life must have a meaning and will have a meaning, if only we could but find it. There must be a divine plan to it all, for nothing meaningful can go unplanned.

Life is meaningless. This is not meant to be disheartening nor meant to be taken as a plea for the mass suicide of all the human inhabitants of our planet (although I must admit this would solve many of the problems we currently face—overpopulation for one). Life is meaningless. These words should bring joy and gladness to your hearts, filling you with endless possibilities of ways to fill the now vacant hole for the rest of your physical existence! Life is meaningless. Don’t get lost down the hole of oblivion, searching for the single Truth. There is no single Truth. There is no meaning to anything beyond that which we have imposed upon it. A line of literature can have as many meanings as intelligent minds exist (the fact this leaves us with four or five meanings is irrelevant).

Life does not inherently have any meaning. The meaning must be created, fabricated, conjured, chosen by the particular person whose life it is. Your life and her and his lives will have completely different meanings. The meaning is created, artificial. It is a simplified representation of an unsimplifiable series of events, emotions, thoughts, feelings, persons, places, ideas, ornaments, colors, hopes, and dreams that can never be explained or given meaning, as meaning can never be adequately given to this elusive thing we term “life”, life is meaningless.

Life is not pointless, however. Life is very pointed. Needles and sharks' teeth. But the points don’t matter. The points are irrelevant. All our lives can have points. The point is the purpose. The purpose of life is unique to that life. It is possible one’s life may serve only to help someone else have a better life. Other than that this person’s life may be wasted, and serve only as a large “DO NOT ENTER” sign before a giant pit of failure and destruction, a “Do Not Try This at Home” notice on the bottom of the screen showing a drunken truck driver run over seventeen cars and a motorcyclist. He was an alcoholic and did nothing with his life. He died and took with him thirty-seven others. Is this person’s life pointless? On the one hand he has caused no one knows how many people to think the slightest (if at all) bit about driving drunk, and has possibly saved someone else from this same fate. On the other hand, his life was wasted on booze and liquor. Was his life pointless? The truth is, it doesn’t matter. A point or purpose is an objective. As life is not finished until death; no one can ever adequately say what the true objective of the life was until the person in question is on his or her way to a grave or an urn, and by then, the question is as important as the favorite color of your great-great-aunt’s dog, Fluffy. Maybe this color was very important to Fluffy. He loved this color and basked in its comforting wavelengths..... But Fluffy is dead, and so is the old bat.. It is inconsequential.

In short, life’s point cannot be discerned until the life has ended. When the life has ended, the point is useless, as it no longer exists.

If life has no meaning, and the point of life is irrelevant, that rope is looking awfully tempting. But don’t tie it up and secure it to that tree branch just yet. If life is both meaningless and pointless, that means we are free. We are free from having to find the One Ultimate Truth. We can be perfectly content in our ignorance, knowing no one can truly ever know. If Ponce de Lion knew the Fountain of Youth did not exist, do you think he would have dedicated his life to searching for it? By damn, no he wouldn’t! Maybe he’d enjoy himself a little more. He’d stop being so preoccupied with this youth spring and focus a little more on the here and the now. He’d play games and get drunk and go to bars and shoot some hoops with the boys.

Do this. Enjoy your life. From now until the day you die. Pick up a few sports, get your body in shape. You’ll need it when you’re eighty-two years old trying to set the land speed record on a tricycle. Proceed into the vast unknown of the future with a remarkable arrogance and heedlessness. Cry out to those who may scorn, “I don’t know where I’m going, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell me!” Life is more exciting this way! Life is more fully lived. Life is merely the postponement of the inevitable meeting with death. Why not brush up with this grizzly fellow a time or two? Why not push life to its utmost limits? Why not be able to say, “I did whatever the hell I wanted and I damn right loved (and lived) every minute of it!”?

Lay down your metal detector, you fool! You’re on a beach! Stop searching for gold and jump in the damn water!

Counterproductive Misery

When I take a step back and look at my problems, I have a chance to take them all in at once.. And in truth, all my problems are revealed to me how small they actually are. Everyone is so concerned with their own problems.. Concerned with minor details that have no influence on anything of real importance in existence.

A lot of people tell me they care about me.. What good does that do for anyone? What would it matter if something happened to me? Or them? The world would still go on as always.. without a bit of change in pace whatsoever.

If I had never existed, no one could really say something was missing, could they? Or.. If I died today, what would things be like in a year from now? In five years? Does it even matter? I would think not. This world just keeps getting worse, and we just keep bringing more and more people into it.

I'm not afraid of death, but I really don't want to die..

Ever.

And I don't want to grow old. I want to stay young forever.. But a lot of people share that desire, and so far nothing has been accomplished to acquire that dream.

But it's a waste of time for me to think about stuff like that.

I find myself thinking about that kind of shit that's probably best not thought about, and it makes me feel so incredibly miserable, and there's nothing I can do about it anymore. I've sealed my own fate by doing that time after time, and it's all I seem to know by now..

I don't know why I keep doing that to myself and to others. But again, when all is looked upon in proper perspective, it doesn't matter at all. I don't know what it is about me. Perhaps change makes me feel uneasy. Maybe I'm just too accustomed to my old ways. It might be that that isn't the proper perspective to be looking through.

Humans have so much potential. Potential we can never use.

If only we'd stop letting our emotions get the best of us.

...But then what kind of ravenous creatures would mankind be?