To ease an entire family's suffering...

I can't even begin to imagine what I'd be like now. Even Jeri had said, in response to how I've changed, that in general I, "...used to be happier." There was a time when I was very young, maybe six or seven.. My dad was talking to one of his friends, and he had said that someday, he would be living in a hole in the ground underneath a rock. I said, "But daddy, you could come live with me." And to this he said that I wouldn't want him to live with me. I was confused. But, I understood what he was talking about when I visited his grave seven years later.

Last night, I thought to myself, how would my dad react if it was me who had died instead? My dad had said before that he would die for me, but how meaningless would that be, when he was the most important person in my entire life? How would he react to my death? Would he believe it? Would he ever be able to laugh, or even genuinely smile again?

When it was evident that I was going to be a girl, my mother wanted to name me Hattie Belle. Now, Hattie Belle O'Malley? Or even just Hattie O'Malley? Thanks to my dad I was able to escape the assured elementary torment of all the words that rhyme with "Hattie". Sarah Anne O'Malley rolls off the tongue pretty easily as well. But what's in a name anyway, right?

Growing up, my dad was always my favorite parent. Should a child have a favorite parent? Should a parent have a favorite child? Either way, they do. I was my dad's favorite, of course, being the Daddy's Girl I was. Something has been bothering me recently. If he were still alive, or... if he were in a state that would allow him to know me still, as watching over me or something like that.... would he be as proud of me now as he has always been before? Or would I be a failure in his eyes? I'm eighteen years old now, a woman. When he left this world, I was only thirteen. The first time I ever put on makeup was when I was thirteen. He threatened to kill all the boys in town. I never thought I was pretty. Maybe because Patrick would always call me ugly when we fought and argued, or maybe because I didn't have guys falling all over me back then. When I was in 3rd grade, I asked my dad if I was pretty. He told me I'm beautiful. Of course a parent would say that. I felt I should have known better than to ask him. Do I think I'm pretty now? Beautiful? On a good day, sure. But what does it for me most is remembering that almost every guy friend I've made has asked me out at least once since we've met. I have lots of guy friends! Anderson says to me in Chemistry one day, "You know, you might see a guy walking down the street with a hot chick, but that's all she has to offer. Then you might see a guy walking down the street with a not-hot chick, because her personality is great. But you Sarah, you have the best of both worlds." I don't know how true that is.

My dad would often flaunt to his friends how pretty I've become. Did I believe it? I think I mostly ignored it. He would always comment on my vivid green eyes, which were exactly like his, and my long legs. I think my legs finished growing before the rest of my body did, because they don't seem to be especially long anymore. Average.

Often, I say that I don't have to regret anything. While that may be true, there is one thing I will always regret. The last time I saw my father alive, I was in so much of a hurry to leave that when I gave him a hug, I barely even wrapped my arms around him, and when I said "I love you" I didn't look into his eyes, but instead had my eyes fixed on my mother's car while I was running towards it. To leave my father with that impression of me, so pathetic, completely and blatantly ungrateful,... it kills me. It's so painful to think about.

Patrick and Aaron were there to witness our dad's final breath. While Charlie and I were acting "normally", Aaron and Patrick apparently were not. They got therapy. Sometimes I think that maybe I needed that therapy too. Patrick and I moved in with our mom after this, Aaron with out aunt. The only complaint I had to this was the stepfather. I managed to make him leave though, sick of me and Patrick, and my mom resented me for it. But she should thank me. She has someone good now, someone who doesn't threaten to bash her kids' brains out. I did good, and I deserve a thanking! I feel sorry for Zach though, my little brother. He wanted to be an O'Malley, he wanted to call my dad "Dad". I was always saying to him things like, "You'll never be an O'Malley, and you'll never have a dad as good as mine, and you can only call him 'Chuck'." I was so mean to him.. I was so focused on the fact that he was only a half-brother. What the hell was wrong with me? He is as much my family as Aaron or Patrick.. and I was so cruel to him.

Patrick came to me one night after moving into my mother's house, I was lying on my bed crying, because I missed my daddy so much.. He said things to me, he confessed things to me; how he felt guilty for our father's death because it was Patrick who had the idea of going to the lake, which is the place my dad was leaving when he died. If they had not gone to the lake, he would not have died in the car accident that followed. But what sense would it have made to me to blame my brother? It would only make sense to him, because I'm sure all of his children have blamed themselves in some way, and to some extent. At the funeral I didn't cry until one his favorite songs played. It was a sad song, of course, well, kind of, but the atmosphere where it was heard will leave a lasting impression of deep sadness upon me:

Good times come and then they go
The rain will fall the wind will blow
Through it all you gotta know
I'll do what I can do
To protect you right or wrong
Heal the hurt 'til the hurt is gone
I'll be right where I belong
I'll be here for you

I'll be here
when the sky turns gray
The sun goes blind
and the moon won't stay
I'll be the light to guide your way
onto some place new
I'll be here
when the crowd is gone
The last note fades on the very last song
I'll be the road to take you home
I'll be here for you

When your star falls from the sky
And your wings don't want to fly
Just remember I'm standing by
To help to see you through
'Cause better days
will come again
Clouds will break,
your heart will mend
I'll be where I've always been
I'll be here for you

I'll be here
when the sky turns gray
The sun goes blind
and the moon won't stay
I'll be the light to guide your way
onto some place new
I'll be here
when the crowd is gone
The last note fades on the very last song
I'll be the road to take you home
I'll be here for you