I smell fear among others lately.....

FEAR of a 5 dollar a gallon gas price

FEAR of failure

FEAR of unknown enemies

FEAR of change

FEAR of being themsleves

FEAR of strangers

FEAR of success

FEAR of death

FEAR of random crime

FEAR of fat hippies (hahaha had to put this in here)

FEAR of questioning authority

FEAR of bird flu (what a scam that is..... anybody remember SARS or Y2K?)

FEAR of illegal immigrants

FEAR of fear

To this I say: You must fuck fear or it will eventually fuck you harder......... and it won't even kiss you first!!!!!!!!!

Neutral

Today is July 3rd.

It's been four years. Does it feel like it has been that long?

....It feels about right, I guess.


My brothers Patrick and Aaron needed therapy. I guess Charlie and I were the only two to be acting "normal". Just because someone seems normal, is that reason enough to consider them to be okay?

But then again, Charlie and I weren't there to witness it. Would we have been acting so normal if we had?

Probably not.

Why did I feel like I was to blame? Why did I feel so terrible? Because I left at the time. Because he needed to talk to me and I ignored him. Because it feels like his last impression of me is that I don't care.

I don't feel so bad about it anymore though. Things get better with time. But I can't help but wonder......

What would I be like if he was still around?

I love the person I am now. How different could I possibly be? I feel as if this is a gain, in some aspects.

I'm a more understanding person.

I was able to make great friends such as Dave, Ryan, Rachel, Chris, Anderson, Wesley, Stefanie, Dawne.... and so on.

Patrick and I have become close siblings, contrary to how we would always fight relentlessly....

So I'm 17 and I like how I am. I'm sure that if I had spent the last four years under my dad's roof, I'd be completely different, for the worse. But then, if he was still around, I'd still have a dad, and having a dad was pretty awesome. At any rate, he's dead and gone, and I couldn't have it any other way even if I wanted to. The universe in which we live is located equidistant from absolute order and absolute chaos--a neutral position we should expect from a universe impervious to our wishes.

Good

I seem to be feeling better. I think I know what's going on now.. And I'm gaining back the weight I lost by not eating, along with my appetite. I now weigh 112 pounds. Things are looking good.

I met up with my one of my best friends ever today in Oklahoma City. She's really cool. We went shopping at the mall. We ate Chinese food. We had a good time. We had a lot of catching up to do. I'm staying at her house with her family for a week or so.

At the mall, we tried on dresses. I found the coolest looking dress. I want to wear it to prom my Senior year.. But I was kind of thinking of wearing a somewhat poofy dress because I think those are cool and at my Junior prom I wore a really non-poofy one. Anyway, this dress is soooo awesome! It's long, black, and has cool red flower designs on it. You'd have to see it to understand what I saw as I looked at myself in the mirror. There were also some other dresses that I was interested in, but none so much as the one I had just described. I'm going back for that dress one of these days. It costs like $300.

Then we looked around in this lingerie department. It was fun. We saw some of the weirdest things.. But like I said, it was fun.

After we got through with our shopping, we went to Jeri's (my friend's) house. I was greeted by her family that loves me. It was cool. Then we went out and got pizza. Then we took the pizza home and ate it because we ordered it to go. Then we didn't really do much after that until her boyfriend came over. He seems pretty cool enough.