Aw..

Why does no one comment anymore?

Hopeless

My brother Aaron and I are a lot alike, more so than I thought. I've pretty much walked in his footsteps all my life. He has been my role-model all this time. Even after an expanded amount of time apart from each other, it amazes me how similarly we handle situations and react to things. And my voice is like a feminine remake of his..

One difference I noticed between Aaron and I though, is how we think about the past. Aaron doesn't like to dwell on the past, while I can't seem to pry myself away from it. Not that I have regrets.. I don't have to regret anything. I think about the past because it's more comforting than thinking about the uncertainties of the future. But I don't mean just MY past, but also the past of others who are close to me. Sometimes it pains me when I think about how some people's past doesn't involve me at all.

There's this uneasiness I feel. I share this feeling with what seems only one other person; Ryan. He realizes the complexity of my situation, and he understands the consequences of any choices I make probably even better than I do.... It might even kill him more than it would me.... He's seemingly more aware than I am, although I just told him about it all hardly even two weeks ago. Ryan knows me pretty well.. He knows how hard it is for me to get along with my mom, and he also knows how much I would hate it if I became like her.

But after analyzing the direction in life I'm taking, it appears that's the only outcome for me. I feel like I'm doomed to a life without accomplishments.. And Ryan sees it mapped out as clearly as I do.

It's cute not to think or speak of the important life-changing matters, but it's also fucking ignorant. Ryan asks me if I've given some thought to it.... Of course I have. He has no idea how much I've thought about it.. Or maybe he does. I'm getting sick to my stomach just thinking about all this....

The day before Dave left to go to the Navy, I broke down and cried. He asked me if there was anything on my mind, he asked me if there was something bothering me..

You see, Dave was about to leave, and he would be gone for a very long time. I didn't want his mind to be burdened with worry, so I wanted to lie to him, I wanted to tell him nothing was wrong, that everything was great. But I couldn't. I couldn't say anything. I attempted to fake a smile, but it crumbled as I started crying (loudly), and I buried my face in my hands.

All because I'm feeling trapped.

Carnival

I sat down on the merry-go-round and Rocky came along and started pushing it. Usually going around as fast as I was, I would've felt horribly sick, especially after eating so much cotton candy. But I wasn't really fazed at all. Rocky was unhappy because his ex-girlfriend was at the carnival with Josh Middleton. I could tell he was incredibly upset because he kept pushing the damn merry-go-round faster and faster. So fast, I had to struggle to hold on.

To get away from all the crap happening at the carnival, Casey Simpson and I went walking around town until it was time for my second bingo shift. Casey had been in California for a LONG time, working. He told me all these crazy stories and he said he's going to go to college in Tulsa after he gets through with AIT. I asked him what field he was going to go into for the Army, and he told me Chemical Operations. Wow!!!!!!!! Makes me think back to when Casey dropped that penny in those chemicals in Mr. Bailey's chemical storage lab and caused a deadly smoke to spew from the bottle. How fitting.

Chris and Casey came back to the carnival after they left to come get me. They brought me home and we watched the Family Guy movie. Wesley and Courtney were here.

One thing that annoys me is people entering my room while I'm asleep. Casey did that at like, 4:30 this morning. He kept telling me to get out of bed, because everyone was falling asleep and he didn't want to watch The Amityville Horror alone. So I half walked, and he half dragged me out of my room and into the living room. I woke up at 3:00 this afternoon on the living room floor.

Today was the OU and Texas game. I don't know what the score was, or even who won, I don't usually watch OU football, but I wanted to today...... and I completely forgot. OU has always beat Texas, but I hear OU hasn't been doing that great at all as of late, so I wanted to see for myself. I mean, they lost to UCLA...... Wow...... I remember when I was a Sophomore, I had to work at Frontier City theme park on the day of the OSU and OU game. I was pissed. OU beat OSU 52-9........ Ouch. However, OSU's doing a lot better this season and it looks as if OU is getting suckier. A lot suckier. OU's mascot is one of those covered wagons. OSU's mascot is a cowboy. OSU's mascot could ride OU's mascot.

MySpace

I spend way too much time on this site lurking and generally making fun of idiots. I have come up with some conclusions based upon vague stereotypes of people's pages I view. Although it is deemed ignorant and politically incorrect, you the readers of this know that general stereotyping can be quite fun. If the things I am about to point out offend you, please feel free to (1) delete me (DO IT ASSHOLES), (2) Drop dead, or (3) go stick an elephants trunk up your ass.

1. WOMEN (and I suppose gay men) WHO LIST "TANNING" AS ONE OF THEIR GENERAL INTERESTS: These people should be immediately sterilized for listing the slow roasting of their skin as something that occupies their life. I think I should list "whitening" as something I enjoy but fear that others would label the term "racist."

2. THOSE WHO LIST BET AS THEIR ONLY ITEM UNDER "TELEVISION": Do I need to explain this one any further?

3. THOSE WHO HAVE PICTURES OF 40 OUNCERS AS DEFAULT PICS: These are the tools of society who think partying is either an artform or some sort of self-expression. Don't get me wrong, I am a 17 year old woman who sometimes drinks these massive bottles of watered down alcohol, but I don't take pictures of them as if they are some sort of GOD.

4. PEOPLE WHO HAVE NUMEROUS PICTURES OF THEIR CARS OR MOTORCYCLES: These are the members of the "he who dies with the most toys wins" club. Due to their lack of self-confidence and basic mental skills, they feel the need to collect fancy toys for all the world to see. There might be a tinge of jealousy from me here due to the fact that I don't have toys like that. Oh well.

5. PEOPLE WHO POST PICTURES OF MY DEAD FRIEND AS THEIR OWN AND ARE NAMED GARY: (this is just an excuse to bust your balls Mark R.) You are a Jesus loving yet Jesus scapegoating follower. Not only is your brother hot, but so is your DAD. The reason you are the luckiest bookmaker I know is because of your rapidly balding head. (Bookmaker like Simon & Schuster *wink*wink*) When you get to HELL after me you be will be eternally tortured by being force fed onions and mayo by a gum cracking stripper who is as black as coal and resembles Patrick Ewing's long lost twin sister. After you get done reading this and eating your fried chicken, get in your mini-van and go bet your 1-2 chalks at the racetrack you cheap motherfucker! Hahahaha! By the way... what 21 year old single guy owns a mini-van?

6. PEOPLE WHO HAVE MAJORITY OF THEIR PICS AS CLOSEUPS OF THEIR TATTS AND PIERCINGS: These are the bottom feeders of the MySpace gene pool. Ever been to a 24-hour WAL-MART at 2am and see the assholes who bring bring their 6-year-old children with them? These are those people. Its bad enough I get to view multiple blurry pics of your homemade tatt00s on this site, but I don't need to hear your bastard children utter phrases such as "Mommy, can you buy me the 24 pack of Mountain Dew?" (official drink of the white trash) as I attempt to do some nocturnal shopping.