Passion for Thoughts

I think the only woman a not-single guy should want to see naked is his girlfriend or wife, you know, whichever he has. You shouldn't look at porn or go to strip clubs when I'm your girlfriend, no fucking way is that gonna fly. Unless you wanna make me feel unattractive and not good enough, which leads to me dumping your ass for someone who can make me happy. And if you did watch porn or go to strip clubs BEFORE you got me, don't brag about it in front of me.. it wouldn't only work to piss me off.

Sometimes I think I expect too much out of most people. Yet, at the same time, I expect nothing, because I hardly trust anyone anyway. One of the people I trust most in the world -- Aaron Anderson. Anderson has been a dear friend to me for over five years. If he says he is coming to see me after I move to Michigan, I believe him. You know who I don't believe? Ryan Swafford and Chris McFarlin. Once they found out Anderson had told me he was going to visit me in Michigan, they were all too quick to shoot down my hopes by saying he would never do that, that all he is is a liar, a liar who deserves no one's trust. I've never known Anderson to lie to me. But I know Chris has. Chris said Anderson was a closer friend to Chris and Ryan than he ever was to me. Is that true? Whether it's fact or not, the time where that could've been true (whenever that was) is long passed, and Anderson isn't a friend to them any longer. So I think it's safe to say that, while Anderson and Chris did have a rich friendship, Anderson is now a closer friend to me than he will ever be to Chris.

There's a lot of things I need to work out in my life. I don't know what to start with first. I have personal issues that sometimes just seem to pile up overnight. I always thought that people, even a single person, especially if you really did love that person, would mean more than something inanimate, you know, something that can't even love you back. I've been called heartless and cruel a few times, but am I really so heartless when I think that all life should be treated with more respect and care than you'd give to something that has no life in it? It isn't fair. People have put things above me a lot in my life I think, and some of the people closest to me still do, but I've never called anyone cruel or heartless because of that, and because I know how much it hurts, I've never valued something more than someone. Take my manga collection for example. I place a very high amount of value on those manga. Yet, I place even more vaule on Chris, the guy who made the last few months of my time in Oklahoma a living hell for me. I realized that if I can't hate Chris, I can't hate anybody. But it's happened too many times where I'd have been promised an afternoon conversation, yet, I get nothing because I was ditched for music. Son of a bitch.

While I can't hate anybody, I can sure as hell hold a grudge, probably longer than anyone else you know. I always was more of the laid back kind of girlfriend back in the day. Maybe I'm just scared of commitment, and this is how I'm dealing with it.. I often find that I'm asking myself what the hell I'm doing here in Michigan. It's not like I can make anything of myself here. Oklahoma was better for that. I lived there. I went to school there. I love Oklahoma. However, Bay City is not a city I can really call home... can I?

I can hardly believe Jesse would yell at me in front of his friends like he did last night. I was stunned. And really embarrassed.

Jesse has a friend named Sean. I don't think he likes me because I make it harder for him and Jesse to hang out. It's not really my fault though. Every time Sean calls wanting to do something, Jesse always thinks he has to ask me for permission or something. Sean's a nerd. I think he's a bigger nerd than Jesse is, but I'm not really sure.... I mean, his room is filled with all sorts of nerdy things, but what does a person's belongings really tell you about a person? I don't think Sean and I could ever really be "good" friends, to be honest. I mean, I have no idea what to talk to this guy about. I guess I could try talking about Superman or comic books, but I wouldn't. And if you have Sean and Jesse together, I can't really contribute anything to the conversation because I usually don't know what the hell they're talking about. Sean seems like a nice guy and everything, but not the type of person I'd naturally be friends with... which makes me consider something odd: is Jesse really the type of person I'd naturally be romantically drawn to? Haha, no! Something tells me I might need to make some changes in my life.

I never know what to do anymore. I never know how I should feel anymore, except hungry.

For a few days, Jesse, Jesse's parents, and I went north to the upper peninsula (UP) of Michigan. It was pretty cool. We went to Mackinac/Mackinaw Island (they spell it both ways for some reason), and we went to Munising for the Picture Rocks Cruise and to the Tahquamenon Falls. There's lots of fudge in Mackinac Island/Mackinaw City. I don't like fudge. I tried it here. It sucks. I also went swimming in Lake Superior. It was fucking cold, but I got used to it eventually and had a barrel of fun. It was like an ocean! I mean, I've never been to the ocean (except when I was tiny, but I don't remember so it doesn't count), but I've seen pictures, and if I had just magically appeared on the beach of Lake Superior, you know, without knowing where I was, then I'd assume it was not a lake, but an ocean. Pretty damn impressive. The lakes here are NOTHING like the lakes in Oklahoma. But that's easy to understand, since the lakes in Michigan are natural, and the lakes in Oklahoma are actually man-made because Oklahoma originally had no lakes.

I got sunburned though. On my cheeks and nose. I didn't wear any sunscreen and of course, I totally should have. I was under the sun for the Picture Rocks Cruise, for the swimming in the lake, for the swimming in an outdoor pool, and more. Silly me. But the sunburn is mostly gone, and should be by the end of the day.

I slept on the couch last night at Jesse's and I woke up at about 6:13 this morning. That isn't normal. Usually I wake up at around 10 or 11 in the morning. But I kept laying on the couch, just thinking to myself.