Rules of Hygiene

1
If going out, and there will be hot girls/guys there, shower. There is no exception to this rule. I don't care if you live in a river with hot springs shooting Tide up your ass. You shower before you leave the marsh, dipshit. Unless you're going to a family reunion in Alabama, the girls aren't going to find your stench attractive. You'll be able to tell because they'll start taking fewer breaths and slowly develop a blueness to their complexion. This is not because they like you. This is because you smell so foul that they've decided to sacrifice air.

2
Brush your teeth. I know this may sound like a lot, but brushing your teeth twice a day works miracles! Your breath smells better, people don't pass out when you talk, your teeth lose that brown hue, and you stop getting bitched at by those damn whiney liberals who think you're in the NRA.

3
Use soap. This one is primarily for you men out there (although some of you women should read this as well). Soap smells good, cleans you up, and gets rid of the shit you inevitably got on your fingers because you use the medieval hand-wipe technique to clean yourself up.

4
Wear clean clothes. This one is simple. Clean your clothes. Wear them. Then, the next day, take off those clothes, shower, and put on new clothes. This brings me to my next point . . .

5
Shower on a daily basis. There's this kid I know who doesn't shower. Everyone hates him. We throw rocks at him and call him mean names like "Smelly-Pants" and "Poopoo-Head". He cries every night when he gets home. Yesterday he hanged himself.

6
Learn this useful point. Cleanliness is partially arbitrary. Learn it well. Some things are just made up for no reason at all, like "wash your hands" and "don't roll around in horse shit". You just have to go along with these things because otherwise people will think you're weird. Or dirty. Let me tell you a little story about a weird kid I knew:

story
I knew a weird kid. No one liked him, cause he didn't follow what everyone else said. He smelled horrible. He had horrible hair. I even saw him leap headfirst into a garbage dumpster once.

One day, I said, "Donald, you smell horrible."

He said, "Really? I never knew!"

I said, "Yes, you really do."

So he took out a gun and blasted himself in the face.

Get my point?

7
Do not roll around in horse shit. I know it's tempting. I've been tempted to do this many times myself. Alright, I'll be Frank (if you be Estelle), I've done it once or twice myself. But at least I showered afterwards.

8
Do not drink your own sweat. It's filthy, it's nasty, and it tastes like dirty, salted water. Do not drink it. You can drink your own urine, that's sterile, but sweat is disgusting. If you drink your sweat, you've fallen to the level of sweat bee on the food chain. This is just above bodily excretions.