Hopeless

My brother Aaron and I are a lot alike, more so than I thought. I've pretty much walked in his footsteps all my life. He has been my role-model all this time. Even after an expanded amount of time apart from each other, it amazes me how similarly we handle situations and react to things. And my voice is like a feminine remake of his..

One difference I noticed between Aaron and I though, is how we think about the past. Aaron doesn't like to dwell on the past, while I can't seem to pry myself away from it. Not that I have regrets.. I don't have to regret anything. I think about the past because it's more comforting than thinking about the uncertainties of the future. But I don't mean just MY past, but also the past of others who are close to me. Sometimes it pains me when I think about how some people's past doesn't involve me at all.

There's this uneasiness I feel. I share this feeling with what seems only one other person; Ryan. He realizes the complexity of my situation, and he understands the consequences of any choices I make probably even better than I do.... It might even kill him more than it would me.... He's seemingly more aware than I am, although I just told him about it all hardly even two weeks ago. Ryan knows me pretty well.. He knows how hard it is for me to get along with my mom, and he also knows how much I would hate it if I became like her.

But after analyzing the direction in life I'm taking, it appears that's the only outcome for me. I feel like I'm doomed to a life without accomplishments.. And Ryan sees it mapped out as clearly as I do.

It's cute not to think or speak of the important life-changing matters, but it's also fucking ignorant. Ryan asks me if I've given some thought to it.... Of course I have. He has no idea how much I've thought about it.. Or maybe he does. I'm getting sick to my stomach just thinking about all this....

The day before Dave left to go to the Navy, I broke down and cried. He asked me if there was anything on my mind, he asked me if there was something bothering me..

You see, Dave was about to leave, and he would be gone for a very long time. I didn't want his mind to be burdened with worry, so I wanted to lie to him, I wanted to tell him nothing was wrong, that everything was great. But I couldn't. I couldn't say anything. I attempted to fake a smile, but it crumbled as I started crying (loudly), and I buried my face in my hands.

All because I'm feeling trapped.