Good
I seem to be feeling better. I think I know what's going on now.. And I'm gaining back the weight I lost by not eating, along with my appetite. I now weigh 112 pounds. Things are looking good.
I met up with my one of my best friends ever today in Oklahoma City. She's really cool. We went shopping at the mall. We ate Chinese food. We had a good time. We had a lot of catching up to do. I'm staying at her house with her family for a week or so.
At the mall, we tried on dresses. I found the coolest looking dress. I want to wear it to prom my Senior year.. But I was kind of thinking of wearing a somewhat poofy dress because I think those are cool and at my Junior prom I wore a really non-poofy one. Anyway, this dress is soooo awesome! It's long, black, and has cool red flower designs on it. You'd have to see it to understand what I saw as I looked at myself in the mirror. There were also some other dresses that I was interested in, but none so much as the one I had just described. I'm going back for that dress one of these days. It costs like $300.
Then we looked around in this lingerie department. It was fun. We saw some of the weirdest things.. But like I said, it was fun.
After we got through with our shopping, we went to Jeri's (my friend's) house. I was greeted by her family that loves me. It was cool. Then we went out and got pizza. Then we took the pizza home and ate it because we ordered it to go. Then we didn't really do much after that until her boyfriend came over. He seems pretty cool enough.
posted by Sarah @ 3:09 AM
14 Comments
14 Comments:
I love you too, Jesse. And no, I didn't find a way to become more beautiful, I'm still searching. :P Just kidding, I'm way hot! Just kidding again, I'm not that egotistical..
........Lovey dovey people are insane.....almost moreso than myself......
TRIGGLET!! Where have you been?! I've missed you so! Come here so I can pinch your cute little cheeky-weekies!! :D
*twitch*
Only if I can rip your cheeks off......
Aw, ain't he such a sweetheart?
Which cheeks you talkin' about Sarah?
But....I'm an ADMIN! I CAN RIP OFF WHOEVER'S CHEEKS I WANT! MUHAHAHAHA.....yeah I'm bored now
That's 'cause you have no friends. :P
*gets banned*
Aw, Trigglet has no friends?
Hmm.. I guess so.
When our children are small, they step on our toes; when the are grown, or nearly so, they step on our hearts.... the pain is different, but no less hurtful.
Twice Sarah says, “They love me.” No where does she say the same of her own family.... No where does she state the love, or even respect, that she has for her family, or for her mom, the only parent she has left.. That hurts. No where does she state that her mom must love her very much indeed, to let the love of her own life walk away so that she (Sarah) could have a more peace-filled life... “after all,” I reasoned, “the kids come first...” but obviously not Zach, as he lost his dad at the same moment.
Would she do the same for me? ...No, because it was a foolish thing to do; and while Sarah may be many things she is, above all else, no fool.
I guess I’m feeling underappreciated these days, for the sacrifices I made.... the job turned down so that the kids wouldn’t have to leave Oklahoma in their final years of high school.... The beatings I took so that the family could remain together...The things I do without so that they can have... and of course, the lost love, that she now finds so easily.
I think my generation made a huge mistake with our kids; we didn’t want them to have to work for things... we wanted to give what we thought they needed to them. We wanted them to have it better than we did.... we did not expect them to have to share in the household chores, the yardwork, or to get a job after school... everything we gave was a gift... and the gift ended up being a real disservice to them... “Just go to school, do your homework.... everything will be provided...” So things have no value to them, after all, they didn’t have to earn it. Even our love for them is of no value, a gift to be spat on when it suits them..
As a parent, you want to do everything for them, for their good... you want to shield them from all hurt and pain. You want to protect them from consequences... those that result from natural laws... laws that no legislation is required to pass, but that are equally as effective.
It would be easy if we didn’t care... if we didn’t love them... to watch them make thier own mistakes; the watching of consequences as they befall, hurts a parent as much, perhaps more, than it does the child.
Who will it be that she asks to take her to the airport when it’s time to go to Michigan this month? And pick her up again? Who did she ask to take her to OKC? And to pick her up again from there? The answers to all four questions are one and the same. Will it be Cindy, who loves her so much? Or Jeri, whom she is so much like? Will it be her aunt Shannon, who never even sends her a birthday or Christmas card or gift? No. It will be the person she did not even inform of her boyfriend coming to town until she walked up the sidewalk with him. It will be the person who understands even when there should be no understanding.
She will ask, or more likely demand, that it be me, the person she seems to disrespect the most, and like the least... but who she also depends on the most, and who loves her the most. And I will say yes... as I always want to do with my kids... even when I know better than they, what is best for them.
Am I bitter....? ....yeah, probably.... but even more so I am hurt, hurt by words not spoken, or written... but I’ll still be happy to hear from my daughter... will be happy to see her again and have her in my home. And happy to see her happy.
Very thought-provoking post, mother. It's a shame that I feel a strong desire to delete it. However, I will not. It provides an interesting piece of reading material for others, I would guess.
-In regards to your comment-
If that's how you feel.. Then why didn't you just let me live with my Aunt Shannon? Was it not obvious I didn't want to go home to you? I asked you, no, I begged you to let me live with her, and after you refused, I asked if I could live with Jeri and her family, but again you refused. Why? Did you want me to be unhappy? Is that not the reason I left in the first place? You say you understand what shouldn't be understood.. Why can't you understand that I did not want to live with you? It must have been hurtful, but can you really blame me?
You and I have never really gotten along. You told me you didn't like me, and in front of one of my best friends, no less. Thank you for that. I always like sharing these very kind of private issues with everyone.. (If I was actually speaking to you, you could easily detect sarcasm.)
Though you are my mother, you didn't always seem like it. Though you say you care, it doesn't always appear to be that way. But I know, from recent experience, that just because one doesn't show that they care, it doesn't mean they are truly unconcerned. How could a mother not care for her child? How could a daughter not love her parents? Just because it's not said or written.. It doesn't imply that the love does not exist.
I didn't ask you to let him walk out like that. I knew better than that. Did I really think that would ever happen? Where was the balance? I mean, I was not allowed to be where I wanted to be, so why would there be a reason for you to have everything where you wanted? And could you really have stopped him anyway? He said to me that it was I who caused his departure.. I managed very well without the assistance of Aaron, wouldn't you say?
But that's not okay. I know it changed things for you completely. But if you got all what you wanted, then I would be left with nothing, you see. I do believe things are balanced now.. You got me living within the confines of your home, but not the love of your life. Whereas, if you did have both of us, I would be incredibly miserable.. As I was before my stepfather left, as he had threatened my life, though when confronted about it in your presence, who are you to believe but your beloved? Can you not see why it is I like you least? You never gave me a chance to regain your trust that you withdrew so unfairly, for no apparent reason at all, though I think it may have been because he never trusted me.
Not to sound melodramatic here, but he turned you against me. He changed you into something I despised. You never did anything. All you put energy into was your birdwatching and wildlife. You let him deal with everything, such was an unfair balance of power, as now, you can't get Patrick or me to listen to you anymore. Hell, you even have trouble with Zach. And as far as Zach goes, at least he still has a father.
And how could you let him force Aaron to leave? No, the kids don't come first to you! It's obvious what came first.. Money. Child support. Is that why you wanted me to live with you? Is that the reasoning you had done to refuse me my happiness?
I've been looking for a job, you know that. I want a job so that I will not have to rely on you to buy me things. I want to save up for a car so that you won't have to drive me everywhere I need to be. I'm sorry I haven't been fortunate enough to fall in love and find a job.
And you say you always say "yes" to us kids.. That's not what I heard after pleading you to allow me to live with Aunt Shannon; sorry to bring this up again. I think that would have been best for me. But you were right, as I like it this way better.
I know you love me. And I don't know if you know this, but I love you too. I love my whole family very much. And believe it or not, I think very highly of it. I'm sorry I haven't expressed that before now.
Thinking back to how things were, I'm bitter too. However, I'll be happy to come back home to you soon.
I like it! Good job. Go on.
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Interesting website with a lot of resources and detailed explanations.
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