Neutral

Today is July 3rd.

It's been four years. Does it feel like it has been that long?

....It feels about right, I guess.


My brothers Patrick and Aaron needed therapy. I guess Charlie and I were the only two to be acting "normal". Just because someone seems normal, is that reason enough to consider them to be okay?

But then again, Charlie and I weren't there to witness it. Would we have been acting so normal if we had?

Probably not.

Why did I feel like I was to blame? Why did I feel so terrible? Because I left at the time. Because he needed to talk to me and I ignored him. Because it feels like his last impression of me is that I don't care.

I don't feel so bad about it anymore though. Things get better with time. But I can't help but wonder......

What would I be like if he was still around?

I love the person I am now. How different could I possibly be? I feel as if this is a gain, in some aspects.

I'm a more understanding person.

I was able to make great friends such as Dave, Ryan, Rachel, Chris, Anderson, Wesley, Stefanie, Dawne.... and so on.

Patrick and I have become close siblings, contrary to how we would always fight relentlessly....

So I'm 17 and I like how I am. I'm sure that if I had spent the last four years under my dad's roof, I'd be completely different, for the worse. But then, if he was still around, I'd still have a dad, and having a dad was pretty awesome. At any rate, he's dead and gone, and I couldn't have it any other way even if I wanted to. The universe in which we live is located equidistant from absolute order and absolute chaos--a neutral position we should expect from a universe impervious to our wishes.